The Coin Machine (aka Coin Machine Song)

Now I’m not one to get all excited
I’m seldom tense and I’m never up-tight
But there’s one thing in this world that really makes me upset
And that’s them coin machines, them nickel-‘n’-dimers
Them out-of-orders, them-work-one-timers
Those nickel-‘n’-dime-quarter-grubbin’ monsters
I mean now how many times have you had the munchies
So you whip out a dime for some peanut crunchies
You put in the slot, you pull the handle and just nothin’ happens
So you cuss and you beat it ’til your hand is blue
You push and shove and you kick it with your shoe
And finally you just walk away while it’s blinking “Thank You”
Which is ‘machine for “We just did it to you, Son”

I’d like to meet the man who invented the Coin Machine
He must have hated mankind and every other living thing
I bet he had a motto on his wall in prose and rhyme, sayin’
“You get nothin’ for a nickel… and twice as much for a dime”

Well they’ll offer you cigarettes, soft-drink, cigars,
Barbecued potato chips and all kind of candy bars,
Peanuts, popcorn, crackerjacks and red-hots
And you can pay a quarter for a nickel comb
Get a throw-away razor and a shot of cologne
Get a fast shoe-shine that even polishes your socks
But I think the worst of those you see with the glass
Where you can see what you want but you can bet your donkey
That there ain’t no way short of a blow-torch you gonna get nothin’ outa there
Then how about those on the men room wall
Boys, you know what I mean, you have seen them all
And when you lose six bits in one of them buggers
You’re just to embarrased to complain so you just kinda go on home, by yourself


Now I heard this story about a fellow one time
Who certainly is a hero of mine
He ranks right up there with John Wayne, Burt Reynolds and Merle Haggard
Seem there was this certain soft-drink machine
It was rusty and old, cantankerous and mean
And it took him for one too many quarters and his mind snapped
So he went out to his car and looked up under the seat
And he whipped out a ’45, clean and neat
He walked up to that machine and said “Hand it over, Son, it’s your last chance!”
Then he plugged that thing ’bout three or four times
Right up under that blinkin’ “Have a Coke” sign
And it just coughed and spit up four hundred dollars’ worth of quarters
And died
The judge called it self-defense